Codependency Therapy in Alexandria, VA

Takeaway: If you struggle with relationships and your sense of self, you may be experiencing codependency. While it can be painful and complex to navigate, breaking these patterns is possible. Therapy for codependency can help you learn how to develop a healthier relationship with yourself and with others. My virtual therapy room is a safe, nonjudgemental space where you can feel heard and gain insight. No matter where you’re at in your codependency recovery journey, I’m here to help.

Have you been struggling in your relationships? Continuing to get hurt when you put in so much effort? Are you unsure as to why you feel so desperate and shameful?

If so, you may be struggling with issues related to codependency. Fortunately, there is a long history of successful treatment for these behaviors.

Although breaking out can be difficult, many people have been able to feel the freedom and relief to overcome codependency with renewed self-worth and self-esteem.

There is no definitive answer as to how codependent behaviors originate but it's often that people who come from dysfunctional families or have adverse childhood experiences tend to experience some of the most profound effects. Having said that, most people carry some time of codependency behaviors in their relationships.

It's important to keep in mind that as human beings, we are all dependent on one another. Co-dependency refers to a spectrum of behaviors related to the emotional space between one person and another. Developing an awareness of codependent relationships is applicable to everyone.

In this page I will discuss further therapy for codependency and what it means to be a codependency therapist.

Does this sound like you?

Do people tell you that you care too much? Do you judge yourself harshly?

Often times the codependent person feels responsible for the well-being of others. When they don't do things right or become criticized, the feel ashamed when their good intentions are rejected. As a result, they struggle to speak their full truth to their family members, spouse, or romantic partner for fear the risk of being hurt.

They become distracted, often struggle with their own self care as they are too preoccupied with their loved one. The irony here is that despite putting in so much effort, their loved one never appears satisfied to them, perpetuating the cycle of shame, obsession, and the resulting unhelpful behaviors.

If so, you may be struggling with codependent tendencies.

The codependent person often feels like the relationship is in chaos or finds an attraction to a person with chaotic behavior, such as having substance abuse problems. As such, they take it upon themselves to manage and direct the relationship. This control is the illusion of the codependent, as it is not possible to control people into healthy habits.

Codependency often requires professional treatment to assist in repairing the internal world of the codependency person. The outcomes for those that engage meaningfully in their codependency recovery have a high likelihood of restoring healthy boundaries and return to addressing their own needs.

What is Codependency?

Lets take a look at some of the history about codependency so we can understand more about it.

The word codependency originated from the addiction recovery community over 70 years ago. It was observed that the spouses of alcoholics had similar behavioral patterns of rescuing their alcoholic/addict partner and thus were "co-dependents" to the addiction.

Whereas the alcoholic/addict is addicted to the drug, the co-dependent is addicted to the person. And by controlling and managing the addict they experience the roller-coaster of emotions - providing the mood altering benefits of tension and release. Not a drug, but very much like a drug. Remove the person from the relationship and they will experience withdrawal like symptoms.

For people who grew up in systems where family members were often emotionally unavailable or did not exhibit healthy boundaries, this familiar "ride" of emotions gets fused with the concept of love.

As a child is developing, their safety is totally reliant upon the wellness of their caregivers. When these caregivers struggle with their own well-being a young child feels threatened and unsafe. As such, they learn to focus their attention on the state of the emotions of their caregiver as signals to their safety instead of their own intuitive needs. This fixation on the wellness of others over themself creates the foundation for codependent relationships in the future; The other is greater than the Self.

Outside of the story of families, addiction, and where it comes from, codependent people suffer from low self esteem and self worth. They have yet to learn fully their true worth, express their own feelings feeling safe, outside of the codependent patterns.

In my experience working with codependency I've learned just how vast some of the codependent behaviors can be in our society. Ultimately, codependency is an over-investment in someone else at the expense of ourselves. In so doing, we give our personal power away to others, leaving less for us AND them as well. Working from an inside out approach, my clients are able to build and restore the parts that were not able to fully grow.

What are the symptoms of codependency?

Now that we have a basic understanding of a codependent relationship and codependent behavior patterns, lets take a look more specifically at the symptoms of the mental health condition.

Control

One of the key aspects in a codependent relationship is the aspect of control. Abusive relationships and codependent individuals struggle with this concept. Externally, this presents as having poor boundaries; whether they be too open, as in not setting boundaries, or too closed, where set limits are distant from vulnerable feelings.

Control becomes the illusion of the relationship. A codependent person learns to believe that its because of their behaviors that the relationship is safe, that they are safe. When a codependent person is not in control, they can become overwhelmed and have a hard time with their mental health, often needing to seek out a mental health professional.

People-Pleasing

Another frequent symptom of codependency is called rescuing or people-pleasing. This behavior is a compulsion to help others at the expense of themself. To codependent people, the suffering of others can be intolerable and can create extreme anxiety, especially for a loved one. Although the compassion to help others is an understood value, it becomes a distortion in the extremes; dishonesty about your own feelings, not acknowledging your own needs and wants, continuing to rescue others to the degree that they don't have the space to learn for themselves.

Confusing Intimacy and Intensity

Codependents often confuse intensity with intimacy. They gravitate towards emotional levels of intensity thinking that the intense emotion is the currency of connection and intimacy. In reality, the currency in the codependent relationship is manipulation. Even though I may want wants best for my partner, I am only able to engage transactionally, as my need for control prevents vulnerability to occur, which is the currency of connection.

3 Main Criteria

You may be reading this and feel like this doesn't apply to you, or maybe some things do and some things don't. One of the key ingredients to understanding a compulsive behavior is to look at three basic criteria;

1) Obsession: Do I spend lots of time thinking about my partner. Do I think about how he/she will react if I do this, or say this, or someone else says this. Do I spend lots of time and energy predicting what the other person will do? Am I having to spend ample time and energy recovering from arguments and the changing reactions of myself.
2) Loss of Control: Am I unable to set boundaries that I want to set? Do I promise I will confront my partner but struggle to speak my truth? Do I break my own personal values to maintain peace and avoid conflict? Is my will hi-jacked by the demands or whims of others?
3) Continuing with behaviors despite having negative consequences: Do you continue to make the same mistakes in relationships regardless of your experiences teaching you of the risk and results? Do you find yourself in the same cycle despite having a different loved one or spouse.

The codependent often enters treatment believing that the other family members or partner is the issue and are often surprised to learn that their suffering has been a neglect of their own needs.

Its often that people struggling with codependency often don't realize they are doing these behaviors. That's why its important to find a therapist who is able to provide codependent therapy.

Meet Ryan Napolitano, codependency therapist in Alexandria, VA

Now that we've covered the basics of codependency lets now talk about how we get to having healthier relationships and how I can help.

Having worked for years in the addiction, substance abuse, and trauma field for almost 10 years engaging in codependency counseling, I have a breadth of experience to pull from. I have led group therapy and family therapy programming for parents, children, and partners.

I am also attuned to the different types of treatment options that are available for people struggling with addiction and codependent relationship issues. There is a great network of twelve step programs, such as codependents anonymous and adult children of alcoholics that can be extremely restorative toward regaining a person's mental health.

One of my main formative experiences was working in a trauma and addiction clinic in the cost of Spain. There I was able to lead group therapy programs as their lead counselor. In this small, intimate, environment, I was able to spend intensive time with people recovering from wounds they adopted as children, giving them the support they needed feel safe and and act in a new way, with a new behavior toward relationships.

There are many clinicians who don't have the experience of intensive work with codependency. Couples therapy, family therapy, and understanding behaviors are helpful tools, but if you want to get towards healing your anxiety and addressing your codependency addiction, its important to work with a professional who knows more than basic mental health to get the professional treatment and treatment options that you need to recovery.

My approach to codependency therapy

Having worked in residential addiction treatment centers I've learned a variety of tools that can help a person work through their relationship issues.

My approach identifies that codependency has its roots in the early life trauma, which is now being considered Complex Trauma or cPTSD. This understanding that codependency comes from the formation of the person greatly informs the work that I do.

As such, I recommend we do an initial 100 minute assessment where I can do a complete mental health history and analysis of parents and extended family. This allows me to design the treatment work around specific notes that a client has likely adopted from the family system and will inform the work going forward.

Techniques

Every individual has unique needs and therefore different types of treatment or therapeutic styles may be more relevant. I will select from the models of Internal Family Systems, psychodynamic, or psychosynthesis tailored towards the support I feel each client needs.

Healing Shame

Research shows a distinct correlation between shame and codependency and addiction. Often times this shame can be inherited from our parents This core wound and related emotions are integral pieces to the work moving forward. Healing shame is a foundational pieces to any type of treatment in therapy.

Coping skills

When exploring these topics, we will also develop healthy coping skills. Because we may have been addicted to people in our codependency, we may feel an absence of the pleasure feelings when we begin to "detox" from the person(s) we have been codependent towards. It is important to be mindful to create other types of support, internally and externally, or we may be at risk to cross addict to substance abuse or other process addictions.

Healthy Boundaries

In the therapy that I provide you will learn the basics of healthy boundaries, healthy communication, and a way of executing relationships simply. Together we will simplify the complex and make it actionable and sustainable across your relationships.

Personal Power

The codependent was forged in a state of chaos and so a main focus of the treatment is to be able to experience life with personal power, dignity, and authenticity, that is stronger and bolder. Within this process will be the returned sense of peace and clarity about self and relationships. You will be able to offer support in healthy ways to the people you love most.

FAQs about codependency counseling

Here are some FAQs regarding co dependency. If you have any further questions I am happy to provide some answers and include how we would go about addressing it in your treatment.

The best type of therapist for codependency is one that is able to execute a healthy relationship within the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client. The relationship in the therapist's office is analogous to the relationships in life.
A good therapist will be able to harness these experiences in a way that can be safely processed and learned from.
If your situation involves substance abuse issues with yourself or your family member its important that you find a therapist who has experiences working in this field. A mental health professional with the awareness of codependent behavior patterns and codependent tendencies will know how to diagnose the severity of the mental health condition and prioritize the most important needs first.
As a long-time practitioner of understanding the codependent relationship, I have many tools to choose from to help you.
The key to breaking out of codependency is honesty, radical honesty. Putting aside the schemes of getting the outcome we want, we move toward self expression and vulnerability.
In therapy, we will lean into the discomfort of talking about things that may be difficult to talk about. In having this experience, we will learn to be able to apply these practices in your own lives.
It is a process of moving from controlling to unfolding, from withholding to showing.
One of the things that can help with this process is to engage with a community of healers or a 12-step fellowship, such as codependents anonymous and adult children of alcoholics/dysfunctional family systems.
Therapy can be the place where you are able to establish a real sense of grounding in relationship. Therapy can be the place where the anxiety and tension around relationship is lessened, and the process of communication and healthy relationship simplified.
The first thing is to look for a therapist who has a speciality of looking at and providing codependency counselling. Be sure to ask your therapist what their background is and how they go about treating it. For example, I have worked in a residential facility which included regular family programs. This is how I know what works, and what doesn't when it comes to treating codependency.
Reach out to fellowship groups like ACoA and CoDA to read their literature and connect with others that may be working on similar things as you. Research shows that working with others in a group and community helps people move quicker in their emotional process.
The ACoA fellowship has whats called "The Laundry List", which outlines many of the codepedendent behaviors. Putting words and concepts to what you're experiencing helps the healing process.
Codepedency is central to the work that I do. I provide telehealth counseling that can address these issues and move you toward the relationships that you'd like to have in your life.