How to Get a Man to Go to Therapy
Takeaway: It’s hard to watch someone you love go through a hard time, especially when they won’t ask for help. Men especially tend to struggle with admitting they need support. So how do you get a guy to see a therapist? While there’s no magical solution, there are strategies you can try to encourage them. Here are my top tips for encouraging the man you love to go to therapy–and how to cope if he won’t.
Do you find yourself growing obsessively worried about the mental health of your partner? Does it hurt to watch other couples with healthy relationships as you grow distant from your loved one? Have you made the suggestion of seeking therapy several times only to end up in more emotional distress? Encouraging a loved one into attending therapy can be a difficult process. But don't lose hope. Focus on a few strategies to help him understand the benefit of addressing mental health issues in talk therapy and he'll be sitting in the waiting room before you know it!
My boyfriend needs therapy but won’t go. What should I do?
The first thing needs to always be to take care of yourself. It is often the case that concerned loved ones spend so much energy on their loved one that they forget to take care of themselves. Maintain a healthy boundary by reminding yourself that you are not responsible for your partners feelings, emotions, and well being.
A professional therapist that specializes in relationships can continue to support you through your own process. Being an example of how to provide self-care can help give permission to your partner to seek therapy. Maintaining your own personal power is important in maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
Its often that people first go to the couples therapist but whats often needed is individual work first. Individual therapy will allow each person to make the most out of the their couples therapy experience. Its very common that men are referred to me from the couples therapist first before they begin treatment.
Why male mental health is especially important
Now that we've looked at how to keep yourself healthy to engage in helping your loved one, lets look at why its so important men understand the benefit of therapy.
For our lives to be fulfilling we need our loved one to be able show up in life and in our relationships the best they can. Mental health is important for both men and women, but due to the stigma around mental health, men continue to be reluctant in talking with a professional.
Paradoxically, if any of their friends went to seek therapy, they would likely support their friend.
As a result, research shows that rates of suicide and addiction are higher in men than women. Many men resign themselves from their own experience, not knowing that a therapist can talk with them, and several months to a year of therapy, help them immensely.
When one person suffers we all suffer. Seeking therapy can a be small but simple to start in the process of opening up the conversation about men and mental health.
In a UK Survey, it was reported that 40% it would take thoughts of suicide to convince a man to go to therapy. In the same research, 29% felt they would be too embarrassed to go to therapy.
Benefits for guys who go to therapy
The benefits to men who go to therapy are more vast than you can imagine. After watching your loved one struggle, it may be difficult to remember the person you once knew. Here are a few ways you can expect your loved one to benefit.
Most men benefit in their personal and romantic relationships by going to therapy. Often times simply having an unguarded place to share their concerns frees up space in their life so they have time and energy for their partner and the relationship. I often say that for men, its the desire they didn't know they had, to seek the trust found in therapy and allow the version of themselves to unfold. Once they have this experience in therapy, they are then able to take it to the relationships in their support system and beyond.
Common mental health symptoms such as depression and anxiety can be reduced in therapy. Anxiety for men is often about a fear to perform, a fear of failure, and the unhelpful thinking that accompanies them. In therapy for men we address the fears of performance and the pressure they carry to fit the token image the world has for them. Depression for men is often about unrealized potential. In therapy, we can address the grief of lost opportunities and the self-limiting beliefs about who they are and what they can do in the world.
Often times having a therapist provide a professional assessment can reduce the concern of the idea that there is something wrong with them. Importantly, to hear through professional help that there is a path forward can bring a renewed hope. Working with a seasoned professional, a man will be able to rule out diagnosis and develop a clearer understanding of what they are actually seeking therapy for. Men benefit greatly by explaining specific concerns, having their mental health issues normalized, allowing them to relieve the emotional distress that has been disrupting their mental health.
Men have a greater tendency to self-medicate with substances and addictions. This often leads to several areas of decreased health and financial wellness, to name a few. By learning healthy coping skills people can see there mental health improve drastically because they are not making themselves feel worse by abusing their body with substances. As a practitioner who has spent years working in the addiction field, addition and the process of self-medication is more prevalent than most people realize. For men, the abuse of substances is more accepted, and with this permission to abuse continues to do harm. It's important that a therapist working with men have experience with mental health issues as they relate to addiction otherwise you can spend months in therapy and not make progress or even get worse.
How do you get a guy to see a therapist? What if he won’t?
If you're ready this article you're likely aware of how difficult a conversation about making a therapy appointment can be. You express your care and love for them only to wind up frustrated and hurt. Ultimately, one of the best strategies is to be willing to accept that they may not get the help you desire for them. Luckily, there are a few helpful pieces of advice that can help move things in the right direction.
How to get someone to go to therapy
If you're reading this your probably hoping for magical advice or a golden arrow. Unfortunately such things don't exist, however, as we learn in therapy its about how we show up and apply basic principles of conversation in healthy relationships.
Validate the parts of them that you see are strong. Mental health for men still carries a stigma in the belief by getting therapeutic treatment you're seen as weak and that something must be wrong with them. Be a supportive and patient friend by sharing how you value seeking therapy as a sign of strength in addition to the other strong qualities you believe them to have.
Share some of your personal concerns that you experienced that got you into doing your own therapy. Taking suggestions is easier when the person you're taking from them has helpful experience to draw from. Although our needs may be different, we're the same in that we all need help sometimes and that the benefit outweighs the concern.
Do some research and find a few therapists he might like. They might have an image of therapy or a therapist that isn't accurate. Hollywood certainly hasn't helped this image, either. Sometimes knowing how to convince someone to go to therapy simply means reducing simple barriers where they are stuck.
Let them know that you respect that they will make their own choice and that you're only being a friend. There is a great power and letting go over control of the process. Men understand when they need help. But they will be less open to suggestions when they feel forced or cornered. Even though this might not be your attention many men still have their guard up when it comes to the idea of therapy.
Be honest with them about your feelings and your level concern without attempting to control or manipulate them. Give them concrete examples that illustrate why you encourage therapy.
Without judgment or shaming them, provide specific examples of how their behaviors is effecting you. Explaining specific concerns allows for a person to think more deeply about the issue. Hearing how our consequences have negatively affected our loved ones is a powerful way to motivate us to change. In my experience, when this is done effectively, it has the ability to be extremely helpful.
Ask them how you can best help them. Listen deeply about their experience. Respecting a persons choice and attending to them, without agenda, and you are more likely to connect with the part of them that is willing to seek help.
Be sure to communicate with him in person vice text or phone. A conversation like this is intimate and its important to hear each other and listen in the most helpful way.
Recognize when its an urgent situation. The above suggestions apply to the majority of mental health treatment, however, there are times when it may be necessary to intervene and call emergency services. If you ever feel your loved one is in imminent and/or critical condition its important to intervene. In addition, if a loved one is in danger or hurting themself or others due to the use of alcohol or drugs, it may be necessary to contact an addiction clinic for immediate care.
How do you deal with a partner who won’t go to therapy?
As I stated before, its always best to seek professional support for yourself if you feel like you are unsure how to move forward and are experiencing overwhelm. Having said that, here are a few tips that can help you move things in the right direction.
Set clear boundaries with behaviors and be clear about the consequences of not adhering to those behaviors. Often times simple boundaries by one partner can shift the relationship into a better place. Keep in mind that you're in your rights to ask that your partner begin talking with a therapist, but they also have the right to say no.
In my own experience as a mental health practitioner, I've seen lots of partners who unknowingly were getting in the way. How? They make excuses for their loved one in public and privately are afraid to confront them on their partners behaviors. Instead, the continuously walk on eggshells around the house. This is an exhausting process which leads to an inevitable "blow-out" which pulls the relationship further into despair.
At some point you might need explain your deepest fear that you'll need to end the relationship unless he goes to therapy. Its important that you make this decision mindfully. And if you make it, its important that you stick with this boundary. Hard as it may be - its often the thing that can motivate people to get well and into the hands of a professional therapist.
This is a task for more than on person. Build up your support system and even join a support group if you're open to it. This is particularly true for loved ones carrying for men suffering with addiction. (If you feel uncomfortable with this idea maybe that's a good way to relate to your partner who is reluctant to go).
Asking for help isn’t easy, but guys deserve support, too.
The world needs its men to show up and be an example for the future. Encourage your loved one to reach out to me. Assure them that I have no intent to convince anyone that they need therapy or that they have a mental health disorder. I'm pleased to simply start the conversation and encourage them to take the challenge of becoming a better man, whenever they're ready.
The individual therapy I provide can be life changing and I want to see your partner, and yourself, receive that benefit. Tell your loved one that professional help doesn't have to feel clinical or awkward, and that you've found someone who has all of the professional credentials but is still a regular guy.
